Hole-y Bible?

Why do I feel like there are so many holes in the Bible?

I struggle with the fact that the Bible doesn't always seem to fit precisely together in all of its ideas and thoughts.  Rather than being very logical or mathematical in the structure of its propositions, phrases seem to often butt heads with other ideas.  For example,  today when reading Psalm 115:17, I read this verse:

"It is not the dead who praise the LORD, those who go down to the place of silence."

At first glance, nothing may seem difficult about this verse.  Yet for me, when I read this verse, my mind attempted to understand it in the doctrinal context of heaven and hell.  That's when the "fun" began...

This verse is pretty confusing to me because the truth is that the dead DO praise the Lord...in heaven. Did the author of this psalm even know about heaven?

I feel like the author of this psalm should have at least hinted at the doctrines of heaven and hell, and that there are in fact people who will praise the Lord in heaven.  There is probably some solution to this problem (e.g. saying that the dead here mean the physically dead), but I just struggle with the fact that the Bible is not what I wish it was.  Sometimes, it just seems the God forgot to "dot the I's and cross the t's".

For me, episodes like this happen almost every time I read from the Bible.  Questions arise non-stop about things that I deem imprecise.  Questions like:  why does the book of Acts end abruptly?  Why do the Gospels have differences about the same events?  Why does Christian theology seem very imprecise?  Why does Paul use very loose quotations of the Old Testament?  Why are concepts seemingly incomplete?  Why didn't the biblical writers have all the facts in front of them?  Why didn't God just give them a systematic, doctrinal handbook?  Instead, God has given us a very diverse book that is often hard to grasp.  Why didn't God ensure that each phrase in the Bible fits perfectly with ever other phrase?  

I think the biggest thing I need to remember is that I am viewing the Bible from my expectations and assumptions as someone who lives in the 21st century.  I have my own biases of how "truth" should be communicated.  Also, as someone who majored in hard sciences in college, I'm used to having things presented to me in precise, unambiguous, mathematical terms.

Ultimately, I need to humble myself before God, and give these thoughts to him.  He alone is sovereign, and He can answer these questions that I struggle with.

Constant Grace

Thankful for brothers that God has brought into my life to encourage me in my faith struggles, and share Christ's love with me.   Also, I realize that God never makes mistakes.  I was able to talk with one brother last night who is going through almost exactly the same situation I went through a year ago regarding relationships.  God used my own journey to speak clearly to him.  Praise God!  Also, God is confirming what he is calling me to do in the future.  It's great to see His sovereign plan coalesce, slowly but surely, through every struggle and moment of weakness.

Unposted thoughts from 2012 !gnite Conference: Saturday night

Wow...last night was amazing.  God's presence was so evident as we went through the final night of the !gnite conference.  Through out the !gnite Conference, I had been praying that God would really help me surrender my future and entire life to Christ's mission instead of making Jesus a compartment of my daily routine. I had done that my whole life though I thought I knew what it really meant to surrender my life to God.  

I'm just so thankful for our church at Harvest Mission Community Church in Ann Arbor.  It has been such a privilege to learn from trained leaders who love Jesus wholeheartedly and with a passion.  I want that for myself now thanks to God's grace!

As Pastor Seth shared emotionally and transparently last night about his need to depend on God to take "risks" in obeying God and live a life full of purpose, I realized that this whole "church thing" is not something that HMCC takes for granted or does as a religious routine.  THEY WANT LIFE TRANSFORMATION, and nothing less.  They are not satisfied with Christians who look good on the outside, who just live a safe to please man.  They want true Gospel-centered lives. I THANK GOD FOR THIS AWESOME COMMUNITY THAT CHALLENGES ME TO PURSUE A DEEPER, MORE VULNERABLE RELATIONSHIP WITH CHRIST!

God has been asking me if I really want to be ALL IN for Him for the rest of my life.   Do I really believe that Jesus is the only way for lives to be changed, but also for lives to be saved?  Am I willing to give up the security of money, reputation, career and status for the glory of Christ?  Am I willing to step out in faith, to risk my worldly status or name for the Father's approval?

I'd like to say that I want to live for Jesus wholeheartedly, but honestly I did not live this way because idols start to creep into my heart, stealing my devotion to Christ.  But as the song says, "Nothing else matters, nothing in this world will do, Jesus You're the center, everything revolves around You"

Reformed Theology: God's grace in me

Since my missions trip, God has been doing a lot of interesting things in my understanding of Him, of salvation, and of faith.  I feel like God is totally renovating key doctrinal foundations in my life, helping me to now believe that I am saved and "in Christ" only because of His grace and election, that I did nothing to save myself, but God, before the foundation of time, chose me to save me.

This is such a new experience for me, considering that I grew up with a strong Pentecostal background focused on free will, trying to be holy in my own power, and making sure I worked hard enough to get to heaven.  I don't think true Pentecostal doctrine says teaches that Christians go to heaven by their own determination and white-knuckled effort.  Also, I hope not to make you think that Pentecostals believe that they can lose their salvation.  However, many do, and I believed this growing up.  I took a lot of pride in my "keeping myself separate from the world" and being "holier than thou".  Man, what a Pharisee (lol).

 My belief that I could lose my salvation and that I needed to "be holy" to make it to heaven was pure bondage.  I felt like a slave trying to fix myself and earn God in my own power.  I felt like I needed to pray more to earn God's love, keep my salvation by avoiding sin, and confess my sinful thoughts constantly to avoid unconfessed sin that could condemn me to hell. Fear was my religion.  I'm thankful that God saved me from this:

"²⁴ What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? ²⁵ Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25).

I'm thankful now that God has changed all of my confusion, replacing my fear of condemnation with EVERLASTING GRACE!  I've been blessed by listening to more Reformed teachers like John Piper, as well as some hymns that focus on God's role in salvation and sanctification (check out David Potter's music here and here! It's legit).

Recently, I've been focusing my prayers and thoughts more on reformed theology and the fact that I can only believe God and trust Him by His work in me (i.e. his "grace").  My prayer life has been changing from "God forgive me for screwing up..." and "God, I'm so sorry again..." to  "God, give me more grace to ..." and "Lord, help me to love you more" and "Lord, open my heart again..."  This has been freeing and powerful!

My new Reformed understanding of election and predestination have been helpful at times, but also scary at times.  When I am trusting that I am God's child, I feel like nothing can stop me.  I've been feeling that "rest" in God's love constantly, and it's so liberating.  I keep on thinking about how Mary just sat at Jesus' feet (Luke 10:38-42). Just resting.  That's what I want my Christian life to be.  Resting in His love and growing in my love for Him. I don't need to impress Him or try harder or make myself better or pray more.  Nothing like that anymore.

However, recently I've wondered if I'm really one of God's chosen children.  What if I'm not?  That thought honestly scares me at times.  Also, I fear those times when I can't feel God's love or his grace changing my heart to believe and be soft.  What do I do if my heart gets hardened by sin, and God is not really softening it even when I ask?  This has been a recent feeling I've had.   What if I want to believe, but can't?  This was a question I had as well, but I realize now that the Bible says that no one "wants" to believe unless God gives them that grace.  "No one seeks God" (Romans 3).  We can't love God or "seek" Him unless He transforms us.   I guess the sign that I'm still coming to Jesus is a sign of His grace in me.  It's just tough to swallow my pride and trust that God is saving me despite my unbelief at times and my hardness of heart.  It's hard to just allow God to save me rather than pridefully trying to make myself perfect (a task that I can never accomplish).

One issue I've struggled with the past few days has been about this question:  If God is the one who gives me faith, what do I do when I'm doubting God or have a heart of unbelief?  It seems to me that the only thing you could do is ask God for more grace to believe, as well as repent from known sin.  It's difficult for me at times to just wait for God.  I feel like I need to trust that He is going to cover over my unbelief with His grace, that He will give me the faith to believe.  Does God expect me to somehow "force" myself to believe despite the intellectual questions or doubts I have about certain Biblical passages?  If so, I have no idea how to do that (haha).

Also, recently, as I've been taking an Anthrobio course on evolution of humans, I've realized that there's pretty good support for the evolution of man from prior ape-like creatures.  Lots of fossils and archaeology support the notion that we had ancestors who were less intelligent, and less sophisticated as us.  This has forced me to think through other issues with Scripture, such as if the accounts in Genesis are literal, or if God has other reasons for writing Genesis 1-3 as He did.  Reading articles from Biologos.org has been helpful for me, but challenging to my faith as well.

With all these questions in my mind, I realize that answers to these questions will not solve the problem.  I just need to come back to that foundation again, that unshakable faith that God provides.  The faith that God is real, that he loves me and will see me to the end, that HE is the one who has AUTHORED my faith, and He is the one who will FINISH THE GOOD WORK he started in me.  HE IS DOING IT ALL.  I'm doing nothing to make this happen!  I'm thankful for the faith to believe that God is working this season for my good, and that He will not abandon me to my doubting heart.

Seize the Day

Yesterday, it was a little tough for me after getting one of my philosophy paper grades back.  I didn't do as well as I hoped, and I began to feel a little frustrated with myself.  This grade seemed to be symbolic of what has been happening to me this term at times, where I've been having a hard time remembering what my focus is in life and what my priorities are.   I seem to struggle with doing things that once were so natural to me, things like doing well in classes without trying too hard or just being motivated to get stuff done. 

Why do I keep doing things that pull me back?  Why do I keep "shooting myself in the foot" with unwise decisions that I know are not what God wants me to do?   Sometimes, just being focused or remembering what motivates me has been hard.  When I lose that focus, I end up making decisions that I regret, or doing things that waste time that should have been used for much more urgent things.  

Maybe God is showing me that I'm not that great (haha...something I need to remember).  God is showing me that I have to try harder now, and I can't just think that I can coast through college and the rest of my life, like I did in high school.  Coasting is not an option anymore for my academic life. 

This seems to be an applicable lesson for me in all areas of life too.  God never meant our lives to be "just going through the motions" or doing some routine that has no passion.  God made us to live passionate lives, but we need to have the resolve to embrace that passion.  Each day a decision needs to be made:  "I will seize the day."  I'm realizing now that life was not meant to be lived passively.  A passive life is not worth living.  God made us with passions, just like He has passions.  God made us to find that ultimate satisfaction and motivation in serving him, and I'm hoping that he'll teach me more of this as I continue this journey of life.
 
I'm committing to being more purposeful each day and remind myself about the high calling that Christ has given me to follow him wholeheartedly.  Thankfully, like a brother of mine said, "His mercies are new every morning".  All the sins and mistakes of yesterday are gone.  He has tossed them into the depths of the ocean, and he has removed them from me as far as the east is from the west.  I'm thankful for this grace of God that keeps me clean though I don't deserve it!

Learning to Trust

(this one's for you DLai!)

Matthew 14
 ²² "Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 ²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
 ²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 ²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
   ²⁹ “Come,” he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. "


This semester has been really different for me.  Academically, things have been harder than I expected.  I've been seeing old struggles resurfacing again, and old insecurities trying to pull me back to square one.  But in the midst of the struggles and seeming lack of spiritual clarity, God has still been there with me, helping me to see that I need Him more than I thought.  After today's message from Bob Roberts about what it means to live out the Great Commission as a global church, I've been seeing how much I need to grow in just trusting the Lord and how He is refining me this semester, showing me my need for self-discipline and accountability with Him and others.   One thing that I've especially been thinking about this semester is my need for a stronger faith, one that is no longer based on the need for physical evidence that He is real or that His word is true.

For most of my Christian experience I've depended on different types of physical or human evidences to confirm my faith in the Bible and Jesus.  Things like the extrabiblical evidences of Jesus' divinity, death, and resurrection.  Things like scientific "evidences" showing that the universe is beautifully and precisely crafted (i.e. these snowflakes look designed, don't you think? ).  Things like the prophetic nature of the Bible and its accurate predictions about the coming of the Savior (aka the "Messiah"...see here).  And I still look at these things as significant anchor points in my faith when the storms of doubt and intellectual questions come rushing in.  But I think I can go deeper in faith than this.

Recently, I've been yearning for a deeper faith, a faith that no longer needs the "training wheels" of physical evidence or that "certainty" based on evidence.  Sometimes I feel limited because I don't really know what faith is supposed to be based upon.  Is belief based on evidence not necessarily true faith anymore?  When will I just trust God even when the evidence is not there, even when the things He says are not "rational" in my understanding?

These questions have been challenging me.  I need to know why I believe.  One passage of the Bible that has encouraged me was one in Genesis concerning the faith of Abram.  When God calls Abram to leave his family and familiar surroundings to go to the "promised land," what made Abraham move?  Would I have moved when God told me?  I think I would definitely need more evidence that it was God talking to me, and not my imagination.  Would I "hear and obey" as Pastor Bob Roberts talked about today at our HMCC Missions Week gathering, or would I just think it through rationally, and reason with God?

When I look at Abraham, I see a man who believed that God spoke to him, and he was so convinced.  Hebrews 11:1 says faith itself is certainty and assurance.  But how?  How can faith be THAT strong?  These are questions I hope to explore in the coming weeks, but please keep me in prayer if you could.  I have *faith* that you will ;).

Although I'm not sure how faith and evidence relate to each other, there's one thing I do know.  God doesn't mind giving us evidence to believe (just think about Gideon in Judges 6:17 and doubting Thomas).  And he has mercy on skeptics and intellectuals.

When will I just BELIEVE finally?  Why do I keep doubting whether He really cares, or if He is there?  How many times does God need to show himself to me before I will finally admit that He is there, and really release myself completely to him?  When will I finally jump off the edge, leaving my insecurities behind, free falling right into His arms of security and strength?
 
God, show me that You are really there for me.  Shatter anything in me that is holding me back from seeing you in my life.

***Note:  I just want to clarify one possible misconception you might be having after reading this entry.  I do think that evidence is important and that Christianity has definite support scientifically and historically/archeologically.  However, I believe that at a certain point, each intellectually-inclined Christian has to be weaned from a constant need for evidence and finally learn to stand on their own two feet with a stronger Christ-based (rather than evidence-based) faith.  I think God is bringing me through this stage right now.

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I need that same faith that Peter had to step out of the boat I'm in, and I know that the Author and Perfecter of my faith is calling my name.  Do you hear Him calling your name too?

Looking Back on !gnite

How was !gnite for you?  For me, this conference definitely was a spiritual milestone in my Christian journey.  As the conference progressed, God truly set me free from the bondages of "religion" that had bound me up for much of my life and really showed me what the Gospel is all about:

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During the three days of !gnite prayer gatherings before the conference, God started to stir expectancy in my heart that this conference was going to be special.  I could feel the excitement in the air and the buzz around the church that God was going to move at this conference. The Holy Spirit was giving me a hunger for something more, for a new vision of His plan for my life.

By first day of !gnite, I was pumped.  Sitting in the sanctuary the first night with the CSMP team, I turned around during the countdown just to soak in what was happening: the CSMP team sending "waves" from the front of the church to the back, !gnite flashlights shining across rows, buzzing of chatter, and expectation for God to move...
"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!  YEAAAAH"

The lights went down as the AWESOME !gnite promo video began.  Then, the light show by CSMP started (I loved that ripple part! ). The energy was intense and emotions were running high.  I felt ready for God to meet me.  I thought I was ready.  But something was off.

As the fast-paced songs began to play, I began to sing and clap. I thought that I was going to feel God's presence, but as I kept on singing, nothing happened.   The dryness of my worship quickly became apparent to me.  Naively, I assumed that I wasn't feeling God's presence because I wasn't worshiping "hard" enough.  I need to muster up more spiritual intensity. However, after the first few songs, I began to realize that God was not in my worship, even though I was putting all my effort into "worshiping" him.  I just felt the emotions, but I didn't feel God. 

Bitterness and disappointment quickly started to set in.  "God, I prayed for this conference, and I prayed that you would meet me here, but I don't feel your presence.  I'm trying to feel your presence but I can't.  I'm singing the songs, but my heart's not in it."  I pretty much let negativity rule my thinking as I eventually sat back down.


During Pastor Ben's sermon about unity among the HMCC churches, I really wasn't able to focus completely on what he was saying.  Familiar doubts from the past began to flood into my mind and disillusionment settled in.  A spiritual battle had begun: 

"God, why am I here at this conference?  God, do you even want me to be here?  Is your word even true?  Why do I even believe in God? "

As these doubts attacked my faith,  I began to cry out to God. 

During my time of prayer, God quickly revealed to me at I could not worship God unless he helped me.  This really shattered my prior conceptions of worship.  I always thought that worship was all about ME trying to please God, but I realized that worship is all about HIM.  To even exalt his name, I needed his help.  I realized that I can't even worship God from my heart unless he helps me.

After I admitted to God that I needed his help to worship, God really met me powerfully.  For the rest of the conference, Jesus truly set me free from anxieties of the past as I began to believe that God loves me unconditionally.  I always knew in my head that God loves me, but it only made sense in my heart by the end of the conference.  I finally realized and believed that I had nothing to fear because Jesus was with me and he was never going to leave me or condemn me. 

Looking back, I understand now that God uprooted a deep-seated religiosity and works mentality that had been growing in my heart.  God was breaking my justification-by-works type of thinking and showed me my need for him.

I thank God for his gospel, and now I can truly say that it is POWERFUL!

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." - Romans 1:16