How was !gnite for you? For me, this conference definitely was a spiritual milestone in my Christian journey. As the conference progressed, God truly set me free from the bondages of "religion" that had bound me up for much of my life and really showed me what the Gospel is all about:
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During the three days of !gnite prayer gatherings before the conference, God started to stir expectancy in my heart that this conference was going to be special. I could feel the excitement in the air and the buzz around the church that God was going to move at this conference. The Holy Spirit was giving me a hunger for something more, for a new vision of His plan for my life.
By first day of !gnite, I was pumped. Sitting in the sanctuary the first night with the CSMP team, I turned around during the countdown just to soak in what was happening: the CSMP team sending "waves" from the front of the church to the back, !gnite flashlights shining across rows, buzzing of chatter, and expectation for God to move...
"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE! YEAAAAH"
The lights went down as the AWESOME !gnite promo video began. Then, the light show by CSMP started (I loved that ripple part! ). The energy was intense and emotions were running high. I felt ready for God to meet me. I thought I was ready. But something was off.
As the fast-paced songs began to play, I began to sing and clap. I thought that I was going to feel God's presence, but as I kept on singing, nothing happened. The dryness of my worship quickly became apparent to me. Naively, I assumed that I wasn't feeling God's presence because I wasn't worshiping "hard" enough. I need to muster up more spiritual intensity. However, after the first few songs, I began to realize that God was not in my worship, even though I was putting all my effort into "worshiping" him. I just felt the emotions, but I didn't feel God.
Bitterness and disappointment quickly started to set in. "God, I prayed for this conference, and I prayed that you would meet me here, but I don't feel your presence. I'm trying to feel your presence but I can't. I'm singing the songs, but my heart's not in it." I pretty much let negativity rule my thinking as I eventually sat back down.
During Pastor Ben's sermon about unity among the HMCC churches, I really wasn't able to focus completely on what he was saying. Familiar doubts from the past began to flood into my mind and disillusionment settled in. A spiritual battle had begun:
"God, why am I here at this conference? God, do you even want me to be here? Is your word even true? Why do I even believe in God? "
As these doubts attacked my faith, I began to cry out to God.
During my time of prayer, God quickly revealed to me at I could not worship God unless he helped me. This really shattered my prior conceptions of worship. I always thought that worship was all about ME trying to please God, but I realized that worship is all about HIM. To even exalt his name, I needed his help. I realized that I can't even worship God from my heart unless he helps me.
After I admitted to God that I needed his help to worship, God really met me powerfully. For the rest of the conference, Jesus truly set me free from anxieties of the past as I began to believe that God loves me unconditionally. I always knew in my head that God loves me, but it only made sense in my heart by the end of the conference. I finally realized and believed that I had nothing to fear because Jesus was with me and he was never going to leave me or condemn me.
Looking back, I understand now that God uprooted a deep-seated religiosity and works mentality that had been growing in my heart. God was breaking my justification-by-works type of thinking and showed me my need for him.
I thank God for his gospel, and now I can truly say that it is POWERFUL!
"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." - Romans 1:16
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