Since my missions trip, God has been doing a lot of interesting things in my understanding of Him, of salvation, and of faith. I feel like God is totally renovating key doctrinal foundations in my life, helping me to now believe that I am saved and "in Christ" only because of His grace and election, that I did nothing to save myself, but God, before the foundation of time, chose me to save me.
This is such a new experience for me, considering that I grew up with a strong Pentecostal background focused on free will, trying to be holy in my own power, and making sure I worked hard enough to get to heaven. I don't think true Pentecostal doctrine says teaches that Christians go to heaven by their own determination and white-knuckled effort. Also, I hope not to make you think that Pentecostals believe that they can lose their salvation. However, many do, and I believed this growing up. I took a lot of pride in my "keeping myself separate from the world" and being "holier than thou". Man, what a Pharisee (lol).
My belief that I could lose my salvation and that I needed to "be holy" to make it to heaven was pure bondage. I felt like a slave trying to fix myself and earn God in my own power. I felt like I needed to pray more to earn God's love, keep my salvation by avoiding sin, and confess my sinful thoughts constantly to avoid unconfessed sin that could condemn me to hell. Fear was my religion. I'm thankful that God saved me from this:
"24 What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? 25 Thanks be to God, who delivers me through Jesus Christ our Lord!" (Romans 7:24-25).
I'm thankful now that God has changed all of my confusion, replacing my fear of condemnation with EVERLASTING GRACE! I've been blessed by listening to more Reformed teachers like John Piper, as well as some hymns that focus on God's role in salvation and sanctification (check out David Potter's music here and here! It's legit).
Recently, I've been focusing my prayers and thoughts more on reformed theology and the fact that I can only believe God and trust Him by His work in me (i.e. his "grace"). My prayer life has been changing from "God forgive me for screwing up..." and "God, I'm so sorry again..." to "God, give me more grace to ..." and "Lord, help me to love you more" and "Lord, open my heart again..." This has been freeing and powerful!
My new Reformed understanding of election and predestination have been helpful at times, but also scary at times. When I am trusting that I am God's child, I feel like nothing can stop me. I've been feeling that "rest" in God's love constantly, and it's so liberating. I keep on thinking about how Mary just sat at Jesus' feet (Luke 10:38-42). Just resting. That's what I want my Christian life to be. Resting in His love and growing in my love for Him. I don't need to impress Him or try harder or make myself better or pray more. Nothing like that anymore.
However, recently I've wondered if I'm really one of God's chosen children. What if I'm not? That thought honestly scares me at times. Also, I fear those times when I can't feel God's love or his grace changing my heart to believe and be soft. What do I do if my heart gets hardened by sin, and God is not really softening it even when I ask? This has been a recent feeling I've had. What if I want to believe, but can't? This was a question I had as well, but I realize now that the Bible says that no one "wants" to believe unless God gives them that grace. "No one seeks God" (Romans 3). We can't love God or "seek" Him unless He transforms us. I guess the sign that I'm still coming to Jesus is a sign of His grace in me. It's just tough to swallow my pride and trust that God is saving me despite my unbelief at times and my hardness of heart. It's hard to just allow God to save me rather than pridefully trying to make myself perfect (a task that I can never accomplish).
One issue I've struggled with the past few days has been about this question: If God is the one who gives me faith, what do I do when I'm doubting God or have a heart of unbelief? It seems to me that the only thing you could do is ask God for more grace to believe, as well as repent from known sin. It's difficult for me at times to just wait for God. I feel like I need to trust that He is going to cover over my unbelief with His grace, that He will give me the faith to believe. Does God expect me to somehow "force" myself to believe despite the intellectual questions or doubts I have about certain Biblical passages? If so, I have no idea how to do that (haha).
Also, recently, as I've been taking an Anthrobio course on evolution of humans, I've realized that there's pretty good support for the evolution of man from prior ape-like creatures. Lots of fossils and archaeology support the notion that we had ancestors who were less intelligent, and less sophisticated as us. This has forced me to think through other issues with Scripture, such as if the accounts in Genesis are literal, or if God has other reasons for writing Genesis 1-3 as He did. Reading articles from Biologos.org has been helpful for me, but challenging to my faith as well.
With all these questions in my mind, I realize that answers to these questions will not solve the problem. I just need to come back to that foundation again, that unshakable faith that God provides. The faith that God is real, that he loves me and will see me to the end, that HE is the one who has AUTHORED my faith, and He is the one who will FINISH THE GOOD WORK he started in me. HE IS DOING IT ALL. I'm doing nothing to make this happen! I'm thankful for the faith to believe that God is working this season for my good, and that He will not abandon me to my doubting heart.
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