Learning to Trust

(this one's for you DLai!)

Matthew 14
 ²² "Immediately Jesus made the disciples get into the boat and go on ahead of him to the other side, while he dismissed the crowd. ²³ After he had dismissed them, he went up on a mountainside by himself to pray. Later that night, he was there alone, ²⁴ and the boat was already a considerable distance from land, buffeted by the waves because the wind was against it.
 ²⁵ Shortly before dawn Jesus went out to them, walking on the lake. ²⁶ When the disciples saw him walking on the lake, they were terrified. “It’s a ghost,” they said, and cried out in fear.
 ²⁷ But Jesus immediately said to them: “Take courage! It is I. Don’t be afraid.”
 ²⁸ “Lord, if it’s you,” Peter replied, “tell me to come to you on the water.”
   ²⁹ “Come,” he said.
   Then Peter got down out of the boat, walked on the water and came toward Jesus. "


This semester has been really different for me.  Academically, things have been harder than I expected.  I've been seeing old struggles resurfacing again, and old insecurities trying to pull me back to square one.  But in the midst of the struggles and seeming lack of spiritual clarity, God has still been there with me, helping me to see that I need Him more than I thought.  After today's message from Bob Roberts about what it means to live out the Great Commission as a global church, I've been seeing how much I need to grow in just trusting the Lord and how He is refining me this semester, showing me my need for self-discipline and accountability with Him and others.   One thing that I've especially been thinking about this semester is my need for a stronger faith, one that is no longer based on the need for physical evidence that He is real or that His word is true.

For most of my Christian experience I've depended on different types of physical or human evidences to confirm my faith in the Bible and Jesus.  Things like the extrabiblical evidences of Jesus' divinity, death, and resurrection.  Things like scientific "evidences" showing that the universe is beautifully and precisely crafted (i.e. these snowflakes look designed, don't you think? ).  Things like the prophetic nature of the Bible and its accurate predictions about the coming of the Savior (aka the "Messiah"...see here).  And I still look at these things as significant anchor points in my faith when the storms of doubt and intellectual questions come rushing in.  But I think I can go deeper in faith than this.

Recently, I've been yearning for a deeper faith, a faith that no longer needs the "training wheels" of physical evidence or that "certainty" based on evidence.  Sometimes I feel limited because I don't really know what faith is supposed to be based upon.  Is belief based on evidence not necessarily true faith anymore?  When will I just trust God even when the evidence is not there, even when the things He says are not "rational" in my understanding?

These questions have been challenging me.  I need to know why I believe.  One passage of the Bible that has encouraged me was one in Genesis concerning the faith of Abram.  When God calls Abram to leave his family and familiar surroundings to go to the "promised land," what made Abraham move?  Would I have moved when God told me?  I think I would definitely need more evidence that it was God talking to me, and not my imagination.  Would I "hear and obey" as Pastor Bob Roberts talked about today at our HMCC Missions Week gathering, or would I just think it through rationally, and reason with God?

When I look at Abraham, I see a man who believed that God spoke to him, and he was so convinced.  Hebrews 11:1 says faith itself is certainty and assurance.  But how?  How can faith be THAT strong?  These are questions I hope to explore in the coming weeks, but please keep me in prayer if you could.  I have *faith* that you will ;).

Although I'm not sure how faith and evidence relate to each other, there's one thing I do know.  God doesn't mind giving us evidence to believe (just think about Gideon in Judges 6:17 and doubting Thomas).  And he has mercy on skeptics and intellectuals.

When will I just BELIEVE finally?  Why do I keep doubting whether He really cares, or if He is there?  How many times does God need to show himself to me before I will finally admit that He is there, and really release myself completely to him?  When will I finally jump off the edge, leaving my insecurities behind, free falling right into His arms of security and strength?
 
God, show me that You are really there for me.  Shatter anything in me that is holding me back from seeing you in my life.

***Note:  I just want to clarify one possible misconception you might be having after reading this entry.  I do think that evidence is important and that Christianity has definite support scientifically and historically/archeologically.  However, I believe that at a certain point, each intellectually-inclined Christian has to be weaned from a constant need for evidence and finally learn to stand on their own two feet with a stronger Christ-based (rather than evidence-based) faith.  I think God is bringing me through this stage right now.

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I need that same faith that Peter had to step out of the boat I'm in, and I know that the Author and Perfecter of my faith is calling my name.  Do you hear Him calling your name too?

Looking Back on !gnite

How was !gnite for you?  For me, this conference definitely was a spiritual milestone in my Christian journey.  As the conference progressed, God truly set me free from the bondages of "religion" that had bound me up for much of my life and really showed me what the Gospel is all about:

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During the three days of !gnite prayer gatherings before the conference, God started to stir expectancy in my heart that this conference was going to be special.  I could feel the excitement in the air and the buzz around the church that God was going to move at this conference. The Holy Spirit was giving me a hunger for something more, for a new vision of His plan for my life.

By first day of !gnite, I was pumped.  Sitting in the sanctuary the first night with the CSMP team, I turned around during the countdown just to soak in what was happening: the CSMP team sending "waves" from the front of the church to the back, !gnite flashlights shining across rows, buzzing of chatter, and expectation for God to move...
"FIVE, FOUR, THREE, TWO, ONE!  YEAAAAH"

The lights went down as the AWESOME !gnite promo video began.  Then, the light show by CSMP started (I loved that ripple part! ). The energy was intense and emotions were running high.  I felt ready for God to meet me.  I thought I was ready.  But something was off.

As the fast-paced songs began to play, I began to sing and clap. I thought that I was going to feel God's presence, but as I kept on singing, nothing happened.   The dryness of my worship quickly became apparent to me.  Naively, I assumed that I wasn't feeling God's presence because I wasn't worshiping "hard" enough.  I need to muster up more spiritual intensity. However, after the first few songs, I began to realize that God was not in my worship, even though I was putting all my effort into "worshiping" him.  I just felt the emotions, but I didn't feel God. 

Bitterness and disappointment quickly started to set in.  "God, I prayed for this conference, and I prayed that you would meet me here, but I don't feel your presence.  I'm trying to feel your presence but I can't.  I'm singing the songs, but my heart's not in it."  I pretty much let negativity rule my thinking as I eventually sat back down.


During Pastor Ben's sermon about unity among the HMCC churches, I really wasn't able to focus completely on what he was saying.  Familiar doubts from the past began to flood into my mind and disillusionment settled in.  A spiritual battle had begun: 

"God, why am I here at this conference?  God, do you even want me to be here?  Is your word even true?  Why do I even believe in God? "

As these doubts attacked my faith,  I began to cry out to God. 

During my time of prayer, God quickly revealed to me at I could not worship God unless he helped me.  This really shattered my prior conceptions of worship.  I always thought that worship was all about ME trying to please God, but I realized that worship is all about HIM.  To even exalt his name, I needed his help.  I realized that I can't even worship God from my heart unless he helps me.

After I admitted to God that I needed his help to worship, God really met me powerfully.  For the rest of the conference, Jesus truly set me free from anxieties of the past as I began to believe that God loves me unconditionally.  I always knew in my head that God loves me, but it only made sense in my heart by the end of the conference.  I finally realized and believed that I had nothing to fear because Jesus was with me and he was never going to leave me or condemn me. 

Looking back, I understand now that God uprooted a deep-seated religiosity and works mentality that had been growing in my heart.  God was breaking my justification-by-works type of thinking and showed me my need for him.

I thank God for his gospel, and now I can truly say that it is POWERFUL!

"I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God for the salvation of everyone who believes: first for the Jew, then for the Gentile." - Romans 1:16

Thoughts on Belief vs. Faith

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see." (Heb 11:1)

What are your ism's?  Everyone subscribes to some set of beliefs about God and the world, and we all have theories about why things are the way the are.  In philosophical terms, these worldviews that we choose are called isms.   Although everyone chooses to believe something about the world, no one is completely sure that their beliefs are 100% correct.   Humanly speaking, it impossible to be completely certain about anything.  My beliefs about a subject are usually only one of many different sets of beliefs or opinions that a person can hold on that topic.  So we see that beliefs are relative, and not necessarily true for everyone. 

Beliefs can change if a new piece of evidence comes up.  Today, if I see a puddle in my driveway, I might believe that it rained yesterday.  However, if I later hear from my dad that he washed his truck in the driveway today, I would throw away my hypothesis and instead believe that the puddle came from the carwash.  Thus, a person can never be completely sure that their beliefs are totally correct.  He chooses to adhere to that belief because he feels it explains the world around him most accurately.  So, it makes sense to always have a bit of "healthy skepticism" about any "ism" we follow 


Faith, on the other hand, is infinitely more certain than mere belief.  There is no "fuzziness" in faith.  Faith is not subject to evidence or anything that we see with our eyes.  Faith sees what God sees, not what people see.  So when the whole world is falling apart around us, we can start feeling afraid of the future or doubt God's love for us, or we ask God to help us see what God sees.  Hebrews 11:1 says that faith is being "certain," being "sure" of the things which we can't see or things that will happen in the future.  This certainty about God and about our futures can only come from God himself.

Belief is passive, but faith is active.  True faith can never stand still because faith is always followed by action. If you really have faith in something, you will not be sitting still or silent.  For example, if I genuinely have faith that the chair beside me can hold me up, I will be willing to sit on the chair.  So if I have faith that Jesus is the only way to God, then I can't stay silent about who Jesus is.  My faith in the Gospel message compels me to live a life that pleases God and that makes Jesus known to others.  Faith pushes us to a decision, to action.  However, when we refuse to have faith and instead settle for belief, we restrict God from working in our life.

There are many examples in the Bible that show the clear difference between faith and belief.  Peter stepped out of the boat in faith, not just because he had a belief that Jesus was walking on water.  All the disciples believed that it was Jesus on the water, but only Peter stepped out in faith.  The woman with the issue of blood touched the hem of Jesus' garment in faith, not in mere belief in Jesus could heal her.  There were many sick people around Jesus, but only this women stretched out her hand in faith, being sure that Jesus would heal her.

One final thought is that belief and faith are very related.  I think that belief can actually turn into faith, and here's my theory:  Belief can only become faith when God is added to the equation.  God's power becomes the catalyst needed to convert belief into faith instantaneously.

Today, I realized that my relationship with God begins to feel dry when my faith in God, that active, present trust in His gospel, is converted into mere belief in God, the mental assent that God's word is true.  Even though I still believe that God's word is true, I am not actually putting my faith into action by meditating on it or applying it to my life. When my faith dries up or I allow doubts to uproot my faith in God, I can no longer trust God with all certainty or believe His word without doubting.

When God is left out of the equation, then the "reaction" above goes from right to left and my faith will becomes mere belief.  However, if I start depending on God again and abiding in Him, the reaction goes in the way it needs to, from left to right.  Thankfully, I can trust God to give me more faith when I ask him for more, since He is the "Pioneer and Perfecter" of my faith (Hebrews 12:2).

My GPA!

"For the sake of Christ, God has thrown away all the report cards, homework records and detention notes in the world and given [me] a 4.0 GPA and a gold-plated invitation to eternal life."

http://www.gci.org/CO/grace

First Post!

So here's my first time actually blogging and trying to stick to it.  For some time now, this idea of starting a blog has repeatedly come through my mind.  Only a few months before, I tried to start a Blogger, but I really was not committed to it, no one I knew actually blogged, and I realized that I don't have many things to share.  I'm not exactly sure why I am deciding to do this again, but after finding out that many of my friends at HMCC (Thanks Jet!) blog, it seems like a good idea to try it out. I have a funny feeling that this will be a good step to more personal and spiritual development for me.   Also, Chris's "parenthetically" blog and Andrew D's "Journeying with the Extraordinary Father" showed me over and over again that blogging can be really encouraging to others (thanks guys!)

I'm praying that this blog will be something that glorifies God as he teaches me more about who He is and as He builds my faith.  Also, I hope it will be a public record of the way God has answered prayers and written His story in my life.